I‘ve been living in the Netherlands since 2000 but I still own a British passport (for now at least). However, the words “United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland” inscribed across the top of my passport are not what make me British.
If I surrendered my British passport tomorrow these ten British traits would live on.
1. Queuing
Despite my long absence from Britain, I still take queuing very seriously indeed and remain personally affronted by queue jumpers or those with a complete lack of queue etiquette. Chaotic Dutch queues that end in an “every man for themselves” situation gives me palpitations.
2. Sense of Humour
Sarcasm, self-deprecation and deadpan delivery remain the foundation of my sense of humour. Unfortunately, British humour outside of Britain results in looks of confusion, concern and sympathy (the kind that say ‘oh, dear the wheel is turning but the hamster is dead’). Conversations end up messy. However, my British humour is so ingrained I can’t tame my sarcastic nature, even if I wanted to. Which I don’t.
3. Sorry
I still dish out the word sorry as if my life depended on it. It’s a reflex reaction to almost any situation that involves bumping, bashing or accidental near personal contact. If a Dutch shopper rams her shopping cart into me on the way to the hagelslag aisle I apologise for being in her way. If someone bumps into me on the street I say sorry to let them know I am aware that my particular position at that precise moment was an inconvenience. If I don’t hear what someone says I mutter, “Sorry?” Multifaceted though it is, sorry is a curse that’s here to stay.
4. Doctor Visits
I remain stoically British by refusing to bother my doctor unless I really am on the verge of seeing the inside of a coffin, or until I have saved up enough ailments to make it worth both my and my doctor’s while to make that appointment. It’s a strategy perfect for living in the Netherlands where doctors tend to recommend paracetamol for practically every ailment anyway, rendering most visits entirely useless.
5. British Reserve
My British reserve is still fully intact and my emotions are shown only at home. Sometimes. Not in public, where there are actual live people around. I do not like to make a fuss or bring attention to myself. I don’t go out of my way to talk to strangers on the street and I keep myself to myself, even though it means being mistaken for unfriendly or indifferent.
Living in a country where everyone greets each other getting into a lift and entering a doctor’s waiting room it is a reserve that is challenged on a daily basis.
As is the case with so many Brits, I cherish my privacy. It took me years to adapt to the curtainless windows the Dutch are so fond of, allowing every passerby a clear view into every house. Whilst I am now certainly more comfortable with the ‘living in a goldfish bowl’ concept, I have had to suppress my British reserve along the way.
6. Beat Around the Bush
We British like to remain polite. Our communication style is generally indirect. In short, we don’t say what we mean. For non-Brits on the receiving end of the message the crux of the matter is usually lost along the way.
Let me elaborate. I say, “I’ll bear that in mind” but I mean “I’ve already made my mind up, but thank you for adding absolutely nothing to this conversation.” To say this out loud would be just plain rude. So I don’t say it, politeness prevails, but the other party walks proudly away with the belief he has helped. He waits for his idea to be put into operation, which of course will never happen.
Even the question “Coffee or tea?” is a minefield. What comes out of my mouth, seeing my host plucking teabags out of a cupboard for herself, is “Oh I don’t mind, whatever is easiest” when actually I could murder a cup of strong, black coffee. However, I don’t want to be an inconvenience and will suffer with a cup of tea instead.
This is in complete contrast to the all too direct Dutch style of communication, who say exactly what they mean regardless of how it offends.
7. Weather
Rain, sun and snow continue to dominate conversations in public life, despite moving countries. Luckily for me Dutch weather is not radically different from British weather so I am still able to discuss different types of rain, label a day too hot or too cold just by standing out on my front door step, and still moan about how ruddy awful the weather has been lately. Summer is still a gamble (will we or won’t we get one this year?) and I still end up looking like a walking strawberry when a sudden burst of sunshine takes us by surprise. I have met my match in the Dutch when it comes to weather obsession.
8. British Shopping
I actually did a happy dance in my living room when I heard that Marks & Spencers was once more opening its doors in The Hague (since closed – again).
The contentment caused by the idea of a regular flow of crumpets, cheddar cheese, proper bacon, malt loaf, sandwich pickle, ginger nut biscuits and mint sauce reminded me that you can take a British girl out of Britain but you won’t squash her British food tastes. Or of course her preference for British knickers.
9. Baked Beans
My kitchen food cupboard is well stocked with tins of Heinz Baked Beans. In fact, I am sure I’m the reason my local Dutch supermarkets stock them at all.
10. Vocabulary
I speak British. It’s not uncommon for people around me to have no idea what I am talking about.
I utter ‘knackered’ instead of ‘tired’. I check the ‘footy’ results and say ‘ta’ instead of thanks. I ‘fancy’ something rather than ‘want’ or ‘like’ it. I don’t think twice about using the word ‘buggar’ (except around my children of course) and tell visitors, “I couldn’t be arsed to bake one, so I bought it from my new Marks & Spencers.”
The blank looks I get have significantly reduced over the years as I proudly educate the Dutch with words they never learnt in school, spreading truly British vocabulary beyond the shores of the island I once called home.
Over to You
What makes the British British? What makes you British?
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